Bad Decisions

Looking back over the last forty-five years of my life, I must say I have made some choices that haven't been all that good.  Some have ranged on the side of just stupid--like when I was seven and wanted prove to my best friend I could be like Houdini. I had her tie my ankles to the corner post of the top bunk with a orange, plastic jump rope (I still remember the color, haha). I proceeded to flip myself upside-down and commence with my magic.  Half-hour later (with me screaming, crying and blood rushing to my head) my mother was laughing hysterically as she used a knife to saw through the stretched-thin, plastic rope while my friend helped hold my thrashing body still.  [Just two-weeks ago, this friend (of 40+ years) and I laughed again over our stupidity.]

Others have been learning ones--like my first car.  My dad and I bought a clunker from a 'friend.'  The engine blew six months after purchase and since I was a poor student, my dad helped me rebuild the engine. I remember being with him in the garage on a cold, blustery October night in Montana (I believe it was in the minus with wind chill) holding the heat lamp while he would show me what I needed to do.  Then, he would hold the heat lamp, while I would do what needed to be done.  What better times for working on cars than the middle of winter?  And what better memories for a girl to make with her dad?

Some of my decisions have caused injuries--to my car or to myself.  I grew up in the woods of MT.  I love the outdoors.  My father always treated any car as a four-wheel drive.  So when I went to college, so did I.  I was very careful with this.  I was taught how to do it.  But one day, when out four-wheeling in a two-wheeler, the sun was just right and blinded me.  I hit a large rock I could've avoided had the sun not been in my eyes and damaged my water pump.  When the car stopped, all fluid drained. Several of us were back in fishing, so we filled the car with lake water and kept it running until we got back to school.  It cost me a pretty penny to get that fixed.

Injuries to myself happen a lot without poor decisions on my part being added to the mix. There are times when I decide to avoid a pet on the stairs and end up at the bottom.  The pet, of course, is fine.  Probably would have been even if I hadn't avoided it.  I, on the other hand, need weeks, sometimes months of doctors visits and therapy to get all back in working order.  Was that really a good decision on my part?

And then there are the decisions that cost money-the treadmill, aka clothes catcher; the new kitty,  puppy, birdie, fishies, your brown-eyed daughter and blue-eyed boy wanted fifteen-years ago, aka the ZOO you're left with to handle in your prime when they are off to college and you are stuck with them (p.s.  and you can't plow up the little mortuary in your garden, either); the rv, the atv's, the boat, the whatever-you-sunk-your-money-into-when-you-thought-it-a-great-idea-at-the-time but now are regretting it. These can be anything that you have laying around the house that you can't get rid of. And every time you look at them you say to yourself, "If only I had...."  

I have lots of those for me, my husband, and my children.  And the more I dwell on them, the angrier I get.  I start to beat myself up.  Sometimes I feel stupid.  But you know what?  It doesn't do any good.  Those decisions have been made.  It is over and done with.

There is a place we used to go hiking as a family when I was a kid. There was a long bridge on the trail, and my brothers would run up ahead of us all to play a game. They would grab several sticks of different shapes and throw them in at the head of the bridge racing down to the end to see if they could see which stick would win the race. The current of this stream had an eddy that would loop back toward you at the head before it would swoop downstream giving my brothers a chance to make it to the other side of the bridge

I compare decisions to those sticks.  They can be good or bad.  We are racing to the end of the bridge to see which one of our different-shaped sticks are going to make it to the end of the bridge.  Some are going to get caught in the eddy and just swirl around and around, getting no where in this life.  Others, will shoot out so fast, we will never no what stick it was or what decision we have missed out on.  It maybe one that saves us harm or money. But of those we see coming out, let's not beat ourselves up if they turn out to be losing bets.  We need to remember the water has swept under the bridge.  There is more water coming and more sticks to throw.  What will your next sticks be?

Blessed Sunday

I  am sitting here letting the turmoil of my life settle around me as I try to feel the peace of another Sabbath day.  I love Sundays--a day of rest.  It is a day I don't have to go anywhere or do anything.  I go to church and take in the sweet spirit of worship and leave feeling renewed for the week.  I stay at home with my family and enjoy the peacefulness within the confines of my home.

I remember Sundays as a kid.  They were the longest day of the week.  They were what I called 'can't' days.  "I can't go boating with my friends," or "I can't have a sleep over on Saturday night."  But I seem to have forgotten all the things I could do--I could play board games with my dad (which I loved to do).  I could make cookies with my sister.  I could practice my violin all day and not get yelled at by my mom for not doing something else.  I could go visit my neighbor from Denmark, bug her, and stay out of my mom's hair for a while (I am sure my mom would have loved it if I had stayed over at her house all Sunday afternoon).

Now it is a time for filling my personal well so I can share the water with others throughout my week.What's this 'well' I talk of?  It is an inner peace each of us finds to help us make it through the week and face the challenges we have thrown at us in life. In this well are thoughts, sayings, songs, and maybe scriptures we hear that build up our happiness.  Sometimes it's our friends or loved ones who help with these things.  Other times, it's getting away from it all and unwinding.  It's no longer taking away from our reserves of 'water' but adding to it.  Reading, sleeping, listening, praying, mediating, and counting our blessings are all ways to replenish the shortage.

I often joke with my kids when things are all out of sorts, that I need to 'balance the chi.'  I feel I am working against the order of things.  I haven't had my Blessed Sunday with peace and worship to help fill up my spiritual well. Other times when chaos rains, I've even said, 'I need to find the chi!'  I really hate those days since I know they're spinning out of control and I need to step back and put my priorities in place.

For me, putting them in place means Sabbath Worship and all that it entails; fill my cup until it runneth over; share the cup with others so their burdens are light also; and try to keep the World's turmoil at bay as I balance my chi and move forward one Blessed Sunday at a time.

Just Say No

"No."  That little word in the English language is really hard to say.  It is only two letters, yet it is hard to spit out.  So many things are thrown at us--choices, decisions, obligations--but we don't want anyone to feel we are unable to preform, so we say "Yes!."  Then, comes the dread, irritation, panic, anger, or sometimes fear at what we have done, all because we can't do what we said in the amount of time we have to do it in.  Do we blame others for it?  Blame ourselves?

I used to ask my kids all the time--"What part of NO don't you understand?  The  'N' or the  'O' ?"

I think we need to ask ourselves this very same question.  If we did this, maybe we wouldn't get ourselves into situations that sap our strength--both mental and physical. 

It has taken me years to learn to TRY and not volunteer for everything.  I love to help and people know this.  They will always come and ask for help on things.  I'm famous for biting off more than I can chew and my dear husband or son is always having to bail me out.

In my younger days, after being first diagnosed with MS, I had quite a bit of energy.  I would be the first mother to volunteer for my kids' school functions, class field trips, be the room mother, and rush to the school if the teacher needed help.  I remember one field trip to the zoo in the hot sun where it was all I could do to drag myself to the bus when the day was over.  I slept with all the kids on the way back home.  It was hard not to sign the forms that went around. By the time my kids were in high school, my support was attending their functions.

Just this past month, I had a chance to use that little word and I'm so glad I did. I'm the Vice President  for the Master Gardener Association in our county.  I'm also on the board of our church young women's group.  Plus at this time, I am getting ready for my daughter's wedding.  Ok, now think holidays.

I am working with the MG Board on their Winter Social.  I let them know I'm busy with my daughter's wedding and can't do much so put me on a little job.  No problem. That's done.  The church YW board needs one person to help with the big church party.  Everyone looks at me.  I tell them flat out NO!  I have a wedding at the end of Dec, a community Christmas party (MG thing), and holidays with company.  NO way.  [Whew, I said it].  So they find someone else.

I have felt guilty about saying no for weeks.  I have been thinking maybe I could have squeezed it in.  Maybe I could have taken a nap or two during the day and not have been as tired.  I am sure you know all abut the blame game.

Well, here is where I'm glad I said no to the church.  Ten days ago, we had a death of one of the head honchos involved with the MG Board.  The Pres. of the MG Board had scheduled her vacation during the date of the Winter Social and wouldn't be there. Another head person running the Social found out her niece moved up her wedding two weeks, so she will be gone.  AND, to add fuel to this blazing inferno, another head person's husband's surgery just got moved up.  You guessed it--to the day of the Social. So, I'm suddenly NOT doing a little job but helping to run this whole thing.

What if I hadn't said no?  I am sure I would have survived.  We all do when we get ourselves into situations of our own making.  Things probably would have slipped. I'm sure my health would have suffered.  I, also, know I would have turned into what my family calls 'the Wicked Witch of the West.'  My husband AND son would have been called on to help with items requiring them to put aside their own lives and schedules. All around, me saying 'no' was a life-saver. family-saver, and a sanity-saver,

You might say I do understand the 'N" and the 'O'--it is a much needed life-preserver.

Change

I woke up the other morning to the world blanketed in white.  I knew it was coming but was disappointed none-the-less.  I love Fall with the colorful leaves, the crisp mornings, and the warm, sunny days.  This year, we actually had a nice, long Fall.  Days were unusually warm, so I enjoyed every minute of it.  But, of course, as I was enjoying my favorite season and relishing in the fantastic weather, I knew Old Man Winter was right around the corner bringing the change of cold weather, icy roads, and the white stuff that layers the ground I walk on.

Change is hard for all of us at times.   My last post had a possible change looming before me.  I had quite the ride studying information but wanted to be informed when I went for the visit with my neurologist.  I wanted to be ready for the change.  I was actually relieved to find I didn't have to change and my life could go on as before.

But this last scare got me thinking about other changes in life.  During the past couple months, I've had changes to my eye site, changes to my family (my daughter is getting married), changes to my income, and changes to our vehicles.  While these are minor, it still got me thinking.

What do changes do to us?  Do we get upset and stressed out?  Or do we go along with the flow?  I'm guilty of getting stressed out.  I like things to go according to plan.  I absolutely hate a wrench being thrown in to my neatly organized life.

A few years ago, I was involved with the girls in my church group.  We would plan activities, and I'd keep a calendar with all the ideas the girls came up with.  Now, we all know teens don't keep things according to schedule.  They show up late, over plan, and have their own agenda.  I know that and should have gone with the flow.  But I was highly stressed out when things didn't go as we'd planned.  I had an assistant who was the best thing for me and turned out to become a very good friend.  She taught me to just go with things, accept changes to the schedule, and don't let things like this stress me out.  She  had a calming influence on me throughout this whole experience.

Change happens to all of us.  It's inevitable.  It's how we handle it that makes us who we are.  Years ago, at my first full-time job, I went into my boss' office and I announced, "We have a huge problem." He looked at me and clarified, "No, we have a situation."  I was young, fresh out of college and an English major, and flippantly replied, "There really isn't a difference in those two if you were to look them up in the thesaurus."  "True, but when people hear 'problem,' they think bad things and don't want to change it.  When they hear 'situation,' they think of a dilemma or quandary and immediately start thinking of solutions to change it.  So we never say 'problem'."   He proceeded to ask me about my 'situation' and then, he gave me another wise bit of advice "Will it matter in 100 years?"

After I left his office, I thought about those two bits of advice--"Situations instead of problems" and "Will it matter in 100 years?"  I must say I've used those when changes have come -- moving to a new state and leaving everything behind; going on a new MS medication; who to vote for in a presidential election; what house to buy; whether to forgive a person who has offended me; whether to eat that extra piece of key lime pie :) ; and the list goes on.

Change is hard no matter what our circumstance or what the situation is.  Life is full of it.  I think it is how we handle that change which defines our character.  I have made strides on not stressing out over every little change that comes into my organized life.  I have found I kind of like life a little randomized.  I thank my old boss for his advice and my friend for 'go-with-the-flow' attitude and teaching me change is what happens.  I need to learn to love each season as it comes.  And maybe so do you.

Peace

It has been a while since I have sat here spilling my inner-self.  The roller coaster called Life is flying by with me hanging on gasping at each peak and laughing at each plummeting gorge.  But the laughing has stopped suddenly this past week and changed to reflection and observation.

For those who don't believe in Deity or a higher power, this post may be hard for you to grasp.  But I want you to understand that I believe in Him.  I find it hard that you don't. Just like you probably find it hard to believe I do. It is the way we both think, I guess, and I hope you don't take offense. 

Just walk outside and look around. The planet is full of God's creations.  The full moon that rose last night, shining on the Earth, is highlighting every living thing.  The smallest insect with its tiny lace-like wings; the maple leaf with its five distinct fingers, the five large veins running up them and branching off into smaller veins (in the fall, maple leaves usually have the brightest, most beautiful, colors for running, jumping in, and, of course, crunching); the mountains, with their snow-capped peaks; the deserts, with the Joshua tree forests; the oceans that go on and on; these are all of God's master pieces--as well as you and me.

I've often wondered how people deal with heartache, grief, pain, fear, the unknown, and even the future without the peace and understanding Deity brings--no matter what the belief is.

Those of us with chronic illnesses know there is really no set cure for what ails us. Good nutrition, exercise, a healthy lifestyle, and a good relationship with your doctors are the best thing we can do to help fight our battle.  If we have a few years of a great medicine, take it for what it is--a blessing.  But know that things can and probably will change.

That was the hardest thing for me to deal with when I was first diagnosed. I always thought there was a pill for every ailment.  Was I ever wrong!  During these past 16 1/2 years I have been on 4 different specific MS medications.  Now it looks like I'm moving to a fifth.  I'm thankful there is a fifth.  When I was diagnosed, there was only three.

Now, I'm studying my options.  But studying isn't going to tell me everything.  I don't like to go eeni meeni miini moh and choose one.  I study; I listen to my doctor; I study some more; and then I pray.  I need to feel at peace with my decision.  That is how I decided to go on to Tysabri.  The drug had a black box warning--meaning people had died using it.  Was I scared to go on it?  When my doctor first approached me I told him no way!  But then I did the steps above and felt a calm come over me.  All fears where removed.  I KNEW I would be okay.  Just like now, I still KNOW I will be okay--whether I have to go off Tysabri or not.  I will be okay.

I can't tell you how the peace feels until you have experienced it for yourself, but I KNOW what it feels like. I wouldn't want to be without it.  I wouldn't want to look at all my medical options and say--Hmmmm, I think I will choose THAT one.  I'm glad for this ride called Life.  I'm glad in my car there is my husband of 22 years, and he supports me.  But I'm also glad I have my Lord with me, too.  He makes the ride more calming, so I'm not screaming as I'm riding with this illness called MS.

Things That Matter

For several days, I've been thinking of my little family's circumstances, and what a trip it's been.  I've learned a little about myself (good and bad) and realized I'm overall a happy person who's been very blessed.  Life is good, but it's also what I make of it.

My husband was let go from his 'great' job almost two years ago and with it went many things we were used to--health insurance (which for me has been the hardest blow); a steady paycheck (you can imagine everything that pays for); and the little things we took for granted: vacations, movies, dining, etc.  And like many others in this terrible economy, he has yet to find a "normal" job.

I'm not writing this to create or have a pity party but to let you know it's made us aware what really matters in times like these.  To maybe make you, also, step back a little and think about your life, no matter your circumstances and see what is most meaningful.

I remembered telling a friend of mine here I was in my forties and starting life over.  It's kind of like when I finished college.  I had nothing then, too.  She reminded me I still had my home, and when I left college, all I had was a beat up old car.  I did see the humor in that.

My reminiscing sent me way back to to my wedding day.  It was a disaster in all ways.  A brief run down--luggage lost; rings missing, found ruined; ceremony time had to moved 3 hours since marriage license also went missing; cake top shattered; sisters arrested by over-zealous traffic cop and had to be bailed out with honeymoon cash; one of wedding speakers talked for 45 minutes causing one of the groomsmen to faint from exhaustion (it did help shut the man up, lol); and those were just a few of the highlights. But only one thing mattered.  I was married to the man I loved.

So, I've been thinking of what IS it that matters?  Certainly not the stuff we sold these past two years to make ends meet; not the items we lost at the wedding. Stuff is never important. It can always be replaced.  Of course, it seems so at the time--the modern car with all the bells and whistles; a cool, new DVD coming out next week; the beautiful outfit in the mall window; or a must-have shoes everyone at school has.  But there are other places to get those things cheaper, and, most of the time, we really don't need them.  Think about it, renting a movie IS cheaper than buying it, and then the movie doesn't sit on your shelf for years gathering dust.

Things that matter to me:
1-A husband who does the laundry, so I don't have to climb the stairs (with MS and this brace on my leg, stairs are a killer).
2-A son who planted my garden, so I could have fresh tomatoes this year (and win blue ribbons with those tomatoes at the County Fair).
3-A daughter who comes home from college with a smile and helps me clean the hard places I can't reach.
4-A future son-in-law who takes care of my daughter who is away at college.
5-A home to live in.
6-MS drug companies who work with me to help me get the medications I need even without insurance to help with my MS.

And the list goes on.  I have a little journal I keep a list of things I'm thankful for in, and I try to keep it current.  Now, I'm adding things that matter to me because the line is very thin between what's important and thankfulness.  I truly believe greed and selfishness lead to unhappiness.  The more we dwell on what we don't have (our have-nots), we found ourselves in the 'pit of despair.'  [Princess Bride]

So as you go about your day, look around you.  See what you have and ask yourself--Does It Matter?  If your are about to buy something or do something big or expensive, ask yourself--Is This Important to Me (or my family)?  One never knows what you may find on this little journey you take.

North Side of the Mountain

In Bulgaria, a shipbuilding company has this statement in its advertisement:  “All our timber comes from the north side of the mountain.”  Why the north side? What does that have to do with timber?

The best timber grows on the north side of the mountain because of the rigors of Mother Nature. The snow is deeper; the cold is colder; the wind is stiffer; and the sun is not as warm as the south side of the mountain. The harshness of the weather is a contributing factor to the toughness of the timber. So this is why this shipbuilding company uses this timber—it is an adding factor to its hardness.  It can hold up to the extreme conditions the seas have to offer.

My in-laws told me this story from their travels in Europe.  I thought it interesting in my own life.  What 'rigors' do I put up with in life and do they make me a 'tougher' person, or do I collapse under the first sign of the trouble Mother Nature throws my way?

I know when I was first diagnosed with MS I really did collapse.  I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my hole some where and die.  Then, I decided since my little three-year girl and six-month old boy wouldn't let me do that, I would wheel-and-deal with the Man Upstairs.

Now, any one who is religious of any kind, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or what have you, know the Guy does not make deals.  We are sent here to follow and learn.  So this wheeling-and-dealing was to no good.  But I must say at the time, I did feel better--momentarily.  Then, I became angry and bitter He wasn't listening to my deal making.

Little did I know, all this was what I now call 'weathering.'  I was being subjected to the rigors of Mother Nature.  I have battled the snow--relapses where I've had to learn to write and type all over again.  The wind--relearning to walk and adjust my driving all over again.  The cold--losing feeling in parts of my body where now it is just constant tingling and having to learn to use that again.

And with each step of the 'weathering,' I have become a more compassionate and patient person.  I have more empathy for my neighbor.  I see things with different eyes.

I have doctors' asking me if they could have patients call me and talk to me about my experiences since they have patients swallowed in self-pity.  Some call, some don't.

For me, summer is the brutal time of the year.  About three weeks ago, I was pulling 'a' weed and took a good fall.  I am taking longer to pull out of this slump than I used to do.  The wind that is blowing this time is a stiff gale and is making me question even my Maker's weathering techniques.  But I think in this, I need to slow down.

I have been on the go, go, go since the first green sprig poked its head out of the ground in early March.  So I have had time to smell my flowers, taste my tomatoes, watch my grass grow (and die, hahaha) and realize He is making my piece of timber a bit stronger and a bit more weathered. I am still going through my 'rigors' of Mother Nature and probably will be until I die.

Who knows?  Maybe there is something more this stubborn old tree needs to learn and another sapling I need to help out before we both break in the next gale-force wind that blows down from the North Side of the Mountain.