Weeds

After weeding my flower bed this morning, I limped back to the house knowing I had over done it yet again.  I wasn't out there long, but the heat had hit for the day and zapped me of all energy.  I knew I had to get to those weeds or they would continue to grow and choke out what little flowers I had planted this year.

It got me thinking of all the weeds that were trying to choke me out during this time in my life.  My MS is taking a bit of a turn, and I'm struggling with a few things at this time.  I know MS does this, so I'm wondering if this is a shallow-rooted weed easily scraped away with rest, so I can wake up and continue on with my life; or one, like bind weed (aka morning glory), that chokes until, if left to its own devices, it will kill the spirit and leave you staring out on humanity never to walk out of your house again.

Since my lovely stumble over a computer cord in November, I haven't been able to recover all my 'super human' capabilities--not that I had those anyway.  But you know how you are when you lay in bed at night and think over your to-do-list?  You are invincible.  When the dawn breaks, those weeds creep in, wrap around me, and show me I never really was the great person I thought I was.

In my job as Master Gardener, I tell people what to do for their real weeds.  And so, each day, I tell myself what I need to do for my virtual weeds: weakness, despair, expectations, possibilities, limitation, finance.  And the weeds go on.

So when these 'weedy' moments crop up, I try to plant flowers instead, using the things I have done--my accomplishments.  I was diagnosed 16 ago today.  But in reality, I think I have had it since I was about 17.  So that makes it 27 years.  That in itself should be a big hydrangea or something.  Then, surrounding that beautiful bush should be other blooming flowers for  the education I have received, the man I have married, the world I have seen, the children I have born, the memories I have made, the people I have met, the friends I have, the volunteer hours I have put in with the church and community and so my virtual flower bed grows.  It should be so big and full that there is no room for virtual weeds.

Whenever I stop thinking about my beautiful flowers, real or otherwise, the weeds begin to grow.  And that is how it is with with others.  I have seen it with those I have talked to.  I have seen 'weeds' come into their lives and choke out the goodness. Some have let their gardens become overrun to the point where the only hope for them is to get professional help; I have been there.  It does help to start over. Sometimes leaving your weed patch behind is the only option.

If you are not there, what I do now is have a book where I write the the things for which I am thankful for--even the bitty things.  So when that bind weed comes creeping in, I can look back and see what flowers I have.  And then, I remember to go out and smell the roses!

Discrimination?

Summer is on its way to full swing, and the phones are ringing off the hook for me down at the county extension office.  I work every Friday and am loving life. People call in with all sorts of questions ranging from simple gardening basics to insect classifications and pest control, to the hard ones of disease-ridden trees or turf analysis.  When there happens to be a dull moment (almost never), I do research on things--usually items to add to my husband's 'honey-do' list.

I am thankful to the extension office.  While other businesses have looked down on my handicap and made excuses to not hire me (you will never prove this), the extension office has urged me on and told me if it ever gets to be too much to let them know and I can take a break.  They made me feel like a human-being again when all others made me feel 'stupid' or 'less-than'.  It truly is sad  to say a lot of society thinks when someone is handicapped  their IQ suddenly drops several points.  Sometimes, it drops off the charts.

Several years ago, I applied for a preschool substitute job.  During the phone interview, I got rave reviews.  They loved my resume.  I had great qualifications.  "Why haven't you been out teaching?"  blah, blah, blah.

Now to give a a brief outline of my resume:  I was a tutor in college, graduated with an AA [emphasis in English], went to Longridge Writing School, published a few books, and a bunch of other things with children.

I got called into the office for a second interview.  It went well--except they kept asking me if I was sure I could handle preschoolers, getting up and down on the floor with my cane and brace and all.  What about them tiring me out?  Doesn't MS make you tired? I assured them I could handle it, since wasn't I just a sub?

I was hired but was only called in three times the first year by a lady I already knew who worked there.  She knew I could handle it.  The office always called another friend of mine who was hired at the same time.  (Which btw, I wrote her resume).  And when she couldn't do it, did I receive a call?  No, they called others on the sub list first that lived farther away.  The second year, I never got a call.

My friend got a call to see if she would like to be put on full-time. She was unable to take the job but put in a word for me.  No call ever came.  I ran into one of the main teachers in the grocery store and asked her why I was never given the chance for the job.  She just stuttered and said something about how she thinks it was given to an in-house teacher.

Once again, something that can't be proven, but the feeling is there of discrimination.

That got me thinking: how many times are we judgmental against someone by the way they look or act.  Do we think they can't do something because they are slow of speech or don't hear well?  How about in a wheelchair or walk with a limp?

I am so grateful to be able to use my love of gardening and the knowledge I have received at school to help those around me.  I am glad someone gave me a chance to prove I am not "ignorant" or "less-than" anyone else.  We should never make anyone feel that way. I hope as we venture out in our everyday lives we are not trying to be better than anyone else, because we aren't.