Frustrations

I am sure we have all been at a point of our lives when we have tried to do something that has made us angry or upset because we couldn't do it.  Either because we didn't know how, didn't have the ability, or the just strength to do it.  Take changing a flat tire, for instance.  Now I know how to do it. My dad taught me how to when I was about  15 or 16 so I could manage it on my own.

One day, when my kids were four and two, we were turning a corner on fairly busy street of Salt Lake City when the back rear tire gave the tell-tale signs of being flat.  I pulled way over, telling the kids to hold on and Mommy would handle this.  I hauled everything out I needed and took the lug wrench to the lug nuts on the tire.  I put my weight into it,  Nothing.  I grabbed my trusty can of WD-40, sprayed the lugs, waited a few minutes, and tried again.  I carefully got on the lug wrench and bounced on it.  Still nothing.

By now, my little dimpled daughter was asking what was wrong, and if we were going to go to the grocery store to get her treat.  Sweating, I looked up and growled, "If I can get this tire changed. Your dad tightened it too tight!"

By then an older man had pulled over and asked if I needed help.  He said, "It looks like you don't have the muscles to get that off.  I can help you, ma'am."

MA'AM?!  Muscles?!!  You would need a torque wrench to get this off!  But, I bit my tongue and let this guy have at it.  He did the same things I did and couldn't do it.  He was sweating and huffing and puffing.  His big pot-belly chuckled and then gave me the lug wrench.  "Guess I'm not much help." He got in his car and drove off.

I threw everything back into my trunk, slammed it shut, hauled my kids out of their car seats, and hiked the 5 long blocks back to our apartment hoping my car wouldn't be hit or stripped down for parts there on the side of the road.  Rick came back later with a torque wrench and change the flat.

I look back on it now and laugh, but it is one of the many frustrations I started to have with MS.

Another thing I love to do is play Scattergories or Scrabble.  It keeps the mind hopping.  But as the years progress I find it gets harder and harder for the words to get from my brain to my tongue or my fingertips/pencil.  I used to be able to think of all sorts of hard words, after all I was an English major. My brother hated playing me in any word games since I was the triple word scoring type person. But cognitive functions are getting frustrating for me.

When I talk to my family, sometimes I get strange looks from them.  When this happens, I know what I think I said is not what came out of my mouth.  I often tell them listen to my thoughts not what I said.

When I give talks or lectures for the community or church, I have to make sure I go over my notes very carefully.  I tell the people I have MS and sometimes things may come out garbled and if they do, don't hesitate to let me know and I will clarify.   I turn it into a joke for both them and me.

One thing that has help with this frustration is nutrition.  I am taking better supplements and working on things that help with cognitive.  So my brain lapses are few.  Yah for me!  I work on crosswords and other mind games that stimulate brain power.  Such as Scattergories and Scrabble.

Another frustration is I have a lack of feeling in my fingertips.  I lost total feeling in late of 1998.  I had to teach myself to write, type, sew, cook, etc all over again.  Now 13 years later, I have partial feeling (tingling) that still makes it hard to do things. I once told a doctor of mine it is like having Band-Aid's on all your fingertips.

I can't type without looking at the keyboard from time to time since I can't feel the marks of where your fingers should be.  I no longer can play my violin up to speed; I was in my college's orchestra. BUT, I can play by looking at my fingers to see where they are placed and memorizing the music. Nothing fancy, but I still can play.  I can crochet just using a bigger hook.  I have just recently found I can't do my beloved cross-stitch, but I am working on a way to get around that.  Still thinking on that one.

There are things I have gone out of my way to teach myself to do because NO one was going to tell me I couldn't learn to do it.  Just because I am disabled doesn't mean I'm unable.  It can be frustrating trying to overcome all the things we do in this life, whether illness, prejudice, loneliness, hate, or just our own inner voices telling us we can't.  But we need to think of the things we have accomplished in this life.  Give ourselves credit for all the greatness we have done and keep pressing forward.  Even if it is one keystroke at a time!