The Little Things 2

Yesterday I worked hard at preserving another year's crop of berries and cherries for my family to enjoy for the following months. Today, I am paying the price of my burst of energy. It seems to be that way for me. I have a lot of energy and spend it all on the things I love to do. Then, the following day or two, I spend that sitting around recovering. I used to get mad at myself for doing that--wasting all my energy. But now I look at what I have accomplished and take delight in the things I have been able to do.

Just recently, I had a friend approach me with the devastating news her fiancee is going through--the process of being diagnosed with MS. She had a million questions on what were 'they' going to do. For one, I appreciated her always saying 'they' and not 'him' or 'me.' Her fiancee will certainly need all the support she can give him. One of the concerns we talked about were all the 'little things' they may not be able to do anymore. She was focusing on the negative side of it. And I can see why with that first diagnosis and so unsure where this unknown path is taking them. I have been there, traveled it, still trudging along, and still noticing the little things.

So this post is for her and all those out there worried about little things. But I am going to focus on the positive side. It is all about adapting, moving things around, going with the flow, and appreciating those the things you love to do even if you have to do them with baby steps.

I love to spend time in the outdoors. Hiking, camping, fishing, hunting, canoeing, gardening, you name it; I love to do it. When I was younger, my family and I would take 7-mile hike back into the Bob Marshal Wilderness of Montana and spend a week at a time living out of a tent, cooking all of our meals over an open fire, fish for food we couldn't pack in our big packs, and enjoy what Mother Nature had to offer. I so wanted to do that with my family when I got older and was lucky to marry a man who hiked and hunted along side me.

With my diagnosis and the issues this disease brings, I've had to make adaptations. I still camp. I've now graduated to a trailer with a bathroom since a tent and a port-a-potty doesn't work well with my son and all his boyhood buddies tagging along. Plus,with balance issues, tripping over holes in the ground  makes for interesting issues there, too. Mind you, it has been a 16-year gradual change.

I still canoe and the laughing that comes with getting in and out of the thing creates great campfire stories for years to come. But the smooth ride across the lakes is a great thing! I still have the arm power for slicing through the water and making the canoe glide with ease.

Fishing is great! I'm able (due to my disability) to have a lifetime free fishing permit. I also am able to drive up to a lot of lakes or streams and park closer than most people can. But who needs to fish on the shore when you have a canoe!

Also, I have a pass that allows me free entrance into any National Park and reduced camping fees at all National Parks. http://www.nps.gov/findapark/passes.htm . We use this a lot during spring and fall, which are the cool times and makes it great for me to go hiking. Now, I am not going on any 7-milers in the outback. Haha. But I do small 1/2-1 milers, sometimes walking with my cane and sometimes being pushed along in my wheelchair. Sometimes, I do both--walk there, get pushed back. I think my favorite hikes were the ones we took along the Historic Columbia River Highway in Oregon and hiked to all the waterfalls along there.  We ended with the Multnomah Falls, which was spectacular! That hike took me lots of rests to get there, and lots of people shoved past, but it was worth it.  http://www.fs.usda.gov/detail/crgnsa/home/?cid=STELPRDB5139466

My family at one of the many falls.  A timed-photo--say cheese!

This is Avalanche Gorge on the Trail of the Cedars in Glacier National Park.  A trail accessible for disabled hikers.  http://www.glacierhikers.com/trail-of-cedars.html

Photo by Rick Segeberg





When we moved to Utah from the Big Sky country of Montana, my hunting days were over.  Too many hunters and not enough deer.  So, I didn't miss it too much when MS limited my balance and walking.  I do crave good venison occasionally, though.

I still garden and this it where I do myself in.  Heat in UT is brutal so I have acquired a cooling vest.  I go out early morning since the evenings do not cool down.  I no longer have a 1000 sq. ft veggie garden but am working on getting a few raised beds so I can do more.  I have flowers, all sorts of fruit trees, grapes and berries to keep me happy.

Moral of my story, adapt.  Keep plugging away.  Look at all the little things around you and what you CAN do.  Not at the little things you CAN'T do.  When you start going down that road, it is hard to come back.

The Little Things

Last Friday, my husband, Rick, and I were sitting in the stands watching a minor league baseball game.  We were trying to remember the last time we had gone to a game, where we had sat, what we had ate, and decided it was way too long, since we couldn't remember any of it.  Surely, it wasn't that long?  Wasn't it just last season?  But no, it must have been two or three seasons ago, since we had brought so-and-so with us and they weren't around anymore.

That got me to thinking about a fishing trip we had been trying to plan for the last few months.  So far, it isn't working out and summer is half gone.  Between his jobs and my part-time one, time is fleeting.  We can't even seem to squeeze in an afternoon in to run up the canyon.  Rick is an adjunct teacher and since all the other staff took summer off, he is left hold the bag.  We do need the money to pay for all my medical needs, so I am not complaining.  It has just started me thinking about the little things--the things we like to do.

Are there things you have forgotten to do because life is busy?  Or maybe you think you don't have the money?  Or you've gotten to 'old' for it?  As I was sitting there with my hubby enjoying our brief evening, I thought of a few little things I was going to take time to do before summer (or life) passed me by--and I started at that game.

1. I sang really loud when the song "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" came on.
2. I had baseball game junk food--AND enjoyed it.
3. Write a thank you note to an old mentor apologizing for being an ungrateful teenager.
4. Enjoy the birds singing in the morning--even if it is 4:30 am.  I am up heading to the bathroom anyway.
5. Take a Sunday walk with my husband.  It is free and he can push me in my wheelchair.  Say hi to any of the neighbors that happen to be out.
6. Play pick-a-boo with the little baby in the row in front of me in church.  He's a cutie.
7. Make the bread my son has been bugging me to make.

As I started making a 'little things' list, I noticed my spirits lifted.  It is almost like my 'thankful' list.  Some of the things were wild and crazy, and I would never, ever do them, but it still felt good to think about them.  It was kind of like taking 'happy' medicine.

There are many 'little things' in our lives waiting to be rediscovered.  What have you lost?

Weeds

After weeding my flower bed this morning, I limped back to the house knowing I had over done it yet again.  I wasn't out there long, but the heat had hit for the day and zapped me of all energy.  I knew I had to get to those weeds or they would continue to grow and choke out what little flowers I had planted this year.

It got me thinking of all the weeds that were trying to choke me out during this time in my life.  My MS is taking a bit of a turn, and I'm struggling with a few things at this time.  I know MS does this, so I'm wondering if this is a shallow-rooted weed easily scraped away with rest, so I can wake up and continue on with my life; or one, like bind weed (aka morning glory), that chokes until, if left to its own devices, it will kill the spirit and leave you staring out on humanity never to walk out of your house again.

Since my lovely stumble over a computer cord in November, I haven't been able to recover all my 'super human' capabilities--not that I had those anyway.  But you know how you are when you lay in bed at night and think over your to-do-list?  You are invincible.  When the dawn breaks, those weeds creep in, wrap around me, and show me I never really was the great person I thought I was.

In my job as Master Gardener, I tell people what to do for their real weeds.  And so, each day, I tell myself what I need to do for my virtual weeds: weakness, despair, expectations, possibilities, limitation, finance.  And the weeds go on.

So when these 'weedy' moments crop up, I try to plant flowers instead, using the things I have done--my accomplishments.  I was diagnosed 16 ago today.  But in reality, I think I have had it since I was about 17.  So that makes it 27 years.  That in itself should be a big hydrangea or something.  Then, surrounding that beautiful bush should be other blooming flowers for  the education I have received, the man I have married, the world I have seen, the children I have born, the memories I have made, the people I have met, the friends I have, the volunteer hours I have put in with the church and community and so my virtual flower bed grows.  It should be so big and full that there is no room for virtual weeds.

Whenever I stop thinking about my beautiful flowers, real or otherwise, the weeds begin to grow.  And that is how it is with with others.  I have seen it with those I have talked to.  I have seen 'weeds' come into their lives and choke out the goodness. Some have let their gardens become overrun to the point where the only hope for them is to get professional help; I have been there.  It does help to start over. Sometimes leaving your weed patch behind is the only option.

If you are not there, what I do now is have a book where I write the the things for which I am thankful for--even the bitty things.  So when that bind weed comes creeping in, I can look back and see what flowers I have.  And then, I remember to go out and smell the roses!

Discrimination?

Summer is on its way to full swing, and the phones are ringing off the hook for me down at the county extension office.  I work every Friday and am loving life. People call in with all sorts of questions ranging from simple gardening basics to insect classifications and pest control, to the hard ones of disease-ridden trees or turf analysis.  When there happens to be a dull moment (almost never), I do research on things--usually items to add to my husband's 'honey-do' list.

I am thankful to the extension office.  While other businesses have looked down on my handicap and made excuses to not hire me (you will never prove this), the extension office has urged me on and told me if it ever gets to be too much to let them know and I can take a break.  They made me feel like a human-being again when all others made me feel 'stupid' or 'less-than'.  It truly is sad  to say a lot of society thinks when someone is handicapped  their IQ suddenly drops several points.  Sometimes, it drops off the charts.

Several years ago, I applied for a preschool substitute job.  During the phone interview, I got rave reviews.  They loved my resume.  I had great qualifications.  "Why haven't you been out teaching?"  blah, blah, blah.

Now to give a a brief outline of my resume:  I was a tutor in college, graduated with an AA [emphasis in English], went to Longridge Writing School, published a few books, and a bunch of other things with children.

I got called into the office for a second interview.  It went well--except they kept asking me if I was sure I could handle preschoolers, getting up and down on the floor with my cane and brace and all.  What about them tiring me out?  Doesn't MS make you tired? I assured them I could handle it, since wasn't I just a sub?

I was hired but was only called in three times the first year by a lady I already knew who worked there.  She knew I could handle it.  The office always called another friend of mine who was hired at the same time.  (Which btw, I wrote her resume).  And when she couldn't do it, did I receive a call?  No, they called others on the sub list first that lived farther away.  The second year, I never got a call.

My friend got a call to see if she would like to be put on full-time. She was unable to take the job but put in a word for me.  No call ever came.  I ran into one of the main teachers in the grocery store and asked her why I was never given the chance for the job.  She just stuttered and said something about how she thinks it was given to an in-house teacher.

Once again, something that can't be proven, but the feeling is there of discrimination.

That got me thinking: how many times are we judgmental against someone by the way they look or act.  Do we think they can't do something because they are slow of speech or don't hear well?  How about in a wheelchair or walk with a limp?

I am so grateful to be able to use my love of gardening and the knowledge I have received at school to help those around me.  I am glad someone gave me a chance to prove I am not "ignorant" or "less-than" anyone else.  We should never make anyone feel that way. I hope as we venture out in our everyday lives we are not trying to be better than anyone else, because we aren't.

Knowledge is Power

When I was first diagnosed with MS, I was clueless.  I went into the doctor's office hoping for answers to my many questions.  Instead, he was silent, did a bunch of tests that I had been through before, and then asked me if I had anyone in my family with MS.  I told him my aunt had it.  "Great!  Then, you know all about it  I'll see you again in 6 months."  He turned and walked out of the room.   Wow, what an experience for me.  Was he ever wrong about me knowing ALL about it!

After sixteen years of dealing with countless doctors, I have learned to speak up. And I've also learned that knowledge is power.  Those who know you want you to share your ideas, share your knowledge.  But sometimes your 'brains' can be a bad thing if you let them swell your EGO.  

My mother works at a university and many of those with learning take it to extremes. They think they are better than those around them.  Sometimes to the point of walking on others who actually help make the world go round.  It is never good to take the power knowledge has to offer and use it to squash others with it.

But, I want to talk about the good the power of knowledge can do--of how it can help you get out of a rut.  Maybe you're feeling sorry for yourself?  Maybe you are afraid of something?  Maybe you think you don't know anything?  Well, I am telling knowledge can fix all of that.

When I left that 'lovely' doctor's office years ago, I was in a daze. I remember wandering down the glass-lined hall of this huge hospital looking out on the clear June day thinking life was over for me.  I didn't know a thing about MS other than my aunt HAD it.  That was it--nothing more.  But with each passing month and each passing doctors' visits, I learned more.  I became obsessed with wanting to know how I could stay healthy longer and not become 'stuck' in a wheelchair OR bed-ridden OR any of the other things I was told was going to happen to me by 'well-meaning' people.  I became knowledgeable.   And with this knowledge came power to help myself.  

I've seen others who were freshly diagnosised and they became what I was at the beginning--dazed and confused.   I knew in the beginning I didn't want to be approached AT ALL;  I just wanted to curl up in my shell.  And so, while other well-meaning people rushed in to these dazed-newbies, both my husband and I contacted their care-givers.  I told them I had MS and knew what the family was going through--first hand.  We told them when the newbie was ready to talk (and it could be months), I would be there.  We gave them websites and phone numbers of who to call in case they had a quack-of-a-doctor like mine.  The caregiver was very appreciative. 


Then, we sat back and waited. I sent a card or email just letting the person know I knew how terrible it was, but I never pushed.  The caregiver would come to me and ask questions and want to know more.  I would answer.  And the day would come that the newbie would call me and we would talk--sometimes for hours--while she/he would gain the knowledge needed to carry on.

Knowledge is a great thing if used for the benefit for others.  Just recently I have been working with the county extension as a horticulture assistant.  I love working with all things garden related.  I have been doing this for almost 10 years now, giving garden talks, diagnosing lawn and plant problems, helping others with issues while they are venturing in the great green unknown of soil-hood.  But, I still don't know everything. There are several of us that work there and we are always asking each other things, studying, learning.

Yesterday, while I was working, I had many people calling in with problems and questions.  Some were easy and some were hard.  Some I had to do research on. Others, I had to send on to people who had greater knowledge than I. Some people were thankful.  Others told me they didn't think I was right and want to know if there was some one else they could talk to.  One lady called in and after talking with her, I found out she had talked to everyone in this office, the office in the next county, and the university office. She knew everyone by name and their titles.  She was just trying to get someone to give her the answer she wanted.  And we all gave her the same answer.   

That is the thing with knowledge.  You will always have those who don't think you know what you are talking about.  You will have those that don't care.  You will have ones that don't listen  and need to learn on their own (like your children).   But, the knowledge you obtain is for YOU!  It is to help you grow.  If others want you to share your knowledge, then share it, offer it.  But don't be offended if they turn it down or tell you they think you are wrong.  It is their decision. But remember in all of your knowledge learning, don't let you ego take over.  Everyone is needed to make the world go round.

This Too, Shall Pass

'This too, shall pass.'  My dad was always fond of telling me this as I got to be a teen and entered my college years.  As a teenager, I am sure I rolled my eyes and thought my life was over.  In college, I remember I hoped 'it' would pass quickly.

As a young mother, I was anxious to have my kids grow up so I could move on to the next stage.  I kept telling myself--This too, shall pass.  Then, my husband was busy with his schooling and jobs, and we never saw each other.  My dad's words rang through my head on the long nights I was up with kids 'helping' them with their school projects that were due the next day.

I once had a boss who insisted there were no problems just situations.  To me, as an English major, it was just a different meaning of the same word.  But he said if you looked at it in a different light, you could always find a way out of it.

That is just like life--if you look at your situation differently you may find a different way out of it.  Not necessarily the way you thought you'd get out of it, but you still will get out of it.

Let me explain:  When I lost my ability to walk like a 'normal' person, I was devastated.  I was losing one more thing to this STUPID disease!!  I had already lost my talent to play my violin the way I wanted to; I had lost the feeling in my finger tips; and blah, blah, blah.  I was on the Pity Train to Party Ville.

But, my natural instinct of  'You-Can't-Tell-Me-What-To-Do' kicked in, and I decided to beat the Fates.  I got my AFO (see previous posts), went to the chiropractor, did my exercises, took vitamins, extra omega-3's, and other things I'd read up on that could help my cause.  Today, on great days, I am cane-free and walking to my doctor's office on the third floor of his office building.  I go hiking and camping.  I garden with the help of my walker (this is so I can make it back to the house after I've over-done it in the garden.  haha).

I just had to look at walking differently.  It didn't happen over night, that is for sure.  I still try to hop the Pity Train when I see a cute pair of pumps or a person run up a flight of stairs.  But, I am walking!  I may need assistance now and then, but I am still walking.  It wasn't a problem, it was a situation that I solved, and 'It too, passed.'

I'm one who believes in being positive.   If we think positive, positive things will happen. Positive people will want to be around us.  We can look at our situations and change them for the better.  Remember to look beyond today and that 'it shall pass.'

A Hard Pill to Swallow

Every day I have a plethora of pills to swallow (Do you like that word?  I got a good laugh out of its use in the movie ¡Three Amigos!).  There are days I sit, look at the pile, and think to myself, 'I can't swallow these anymore.  I will choke to death on them.'

I have to say the amount of pills I take now are much less than they used to be.  I eat better; I use a mixture of Eastern and Western medicine in my health care, such as chiropractics, acupuncture, micro-current, essential oils,  regular check-ups with both my PCP and my neurologist; I do yoga; and have hobbies to keep me active--gardening, photo restoration, genealogy, scrapbooking, and of course, blogging.

But physical pills aren't the only things in life we are sometimes asked to swallow.  Some of those 'pills' are because of our own making, such as poor choices.  Some are because of what life has thrust upon us, either because of someone else or just because of circumstance.

Let me share two examples from my life.  One is from back in my younger days.  I was taking a year off from college and loving the single life.  I had a good job, a good boyfriend, cheap rent (living with my parents-haha), a car, and lots of friends.  I had no intention of going back to school--ever.

Well, things started to go down hill.  My friends started to trickle off to school or to get married.  My parents were encouraging me to go back to school.  I'd really disliked my first year so why would I want to go back.  I was really hoping my boyfriend would pop the question.  His mom was too.

Then, the catalyst hit that forced me to swallow the dreaded pill.  On a very romantic date, when I thought the question was going to be coming, I was informed I was 'too intelligent' for him and things would never work out.  We'd had a nice time and I really should go back to college.  Was that ever a slap in the face with reality?

Now I'm not one who sits around and mopes for long.  In fact, I didn't mope at all on this one.  I was so angry by the words 'too intelligent,' I was in hyper-drive all  the way back to college.  I got a job, an apartment, was enrolled in all my classes within three weeks and never looked back.  I got my AAAS  that Spring.

The hardest pill I've had to swallow was given to me on the day before my 6th Wedding Anniversary, May 16th, 1996.  That's when I was given the diagnosis of MS.  Even though the news was devastating and I thought my life was over, I have come to realize I've also received countless blessings throughout these many years.

Both of the pills I mentioned were hard.  I struggled with each one.  I still struggle with MS everyday.  But, each pill brought and still brings blessings.  If I had married that boyfriend, I would have never married Rick or had my two beautiful children.  I'd never have finished up college.  And who knows where or what I'd be now.  And if I'd never had MS (I maybe would have skipped this pill), who knows what personal growth I would have missed.   What growth would my family and I have missed?

So as you look at your plethora of pills--literal or symbolical--think of how they are helping heal you, blessing you, and helping those around you.  And maybe the next time you have to swallow, it won't be so hard to go down.