North Side of the Mountain

In Bulgaria, a shipbuilding company has this statement in its advertisement:  “All our timber comes from the north side of the mountain.”  Why the north side? What does that have to do with timber?

The best timber grows on the north side of the mountain because of the rigors of Mother Nature. The snow is deeper; the cold is colder; the wind is stiffer; and the sun is not as warm as the south side of the mountain. The harshness of the weather is a contributing factor to the toughness of the timber. So this is why this shipbuilding company uses this timber—it is an adding factor to its hardness.  It can hold up to the extreme conditions the seas have to offer.

My in-laws told me this story from their travels in Europe.  I thought it interesting in my own life.  What 'rigors' do I put up with in life and do they make me a 'tougher' person, or do I collapse under the first sign of the trouble Mother Nature throws my way?

I know when I was first diagnosed with MS I really did collapse.  I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my hole some where and die.  Then, I decided since my little three-year girl and six-month old boy wouldn't let me do that, I would wheel-and-deal with the Man Upstairs.

Now, any one who is religious of any kind, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or what have you, know the Guy does not make deals.  We are sent here to follow and learn.  So this wheeling-and-dealing was to no good.  But I must say at the time, I did feel better--momentarily.  Then, I became angry and bitter He wasn't listening to my deal making.

Little did I know, all this was what I now call 'weathering.'  I was being subjected to the rigors of Mother Nature.  I have battled the snow--relapses where I've had to learn to write and type all over again.  The wind--relearning to walk and adjust my driving all over again.  The cold--losing feeling in parts of my body where now it is just constant tingling and having to learn to use that again.

And with each step of the 'weathering,' I have become a more compassionate and patient person.  I have more empathy for my neighbor.  I see things with different eyes.

I have doctors' asking me if they could have patients call me and talk to me about my experiences since they have patients swallowed in self-pity.  Some call, some don't.

For me, summer is the brutal time of the year.  About three weeks ago, I was pulling 'a' weed and took a good fall.  I am taking longer to pull out of this slump than I used to do.  The wind that is blowing this time is a stiff gale and is making me question even my Maker's weathering techniques.  But I think in this, I need to slow down.

I have been on the go, go, go since the first green sprig poked its head out of the ground in early March.  So I have had time to smell my flowers, taste my tomatoes, watch my grass grow (and die, hahaha) and realize He is making my piece of timber a bit stronger and a bit more weathered. I am still going through my 'rigors' of Mother Nature and probably will be until I die.

Who knows?  Maybe there is something more this stubborn old tree needs to learn and another sapling I need to help out before we both break in the next gale-force wind that blows down from the North Side of the Mountain.

The Little Things 2

Yesterday I worked hard at preserving another year's crop of berries and cherries for my family to enjoy for the following months. Today, I am paying the price of my burst of energy. It seems to be that way for me. I have a lot of energy and spend it all on the things I love to do. Then, the following day or two, I spend that sitting around recovering. I used to get mad at myself for doing that--wasting all my energy. But now I look at what I have accomplished and take delight in the things I have been able to do.

Just recently, I had a friend approach me with the devastating news her fiancee is going through--the process of being diagnosed with MS. She had a million questions on what were 'they' going to do. For one, I appreciated her always saying 'they' and not 'him' or 'me.' Her fiancee will certainly need all the support she can give him. One of the concerns we talked about were all the 'little things' they may not be able to do anymore. She was focusing on the negative side of it. And I can see why with that first diagnosis and so unsure where this unknown path is taking them. I have been there, traveled it, still trudging along, and still noticing the little things.

So this post is for her and all those out there worried about little things. But I am going to focus on the positive side. It is all about adapting, moving things around, going with the flow, and appreciating those the things you love to do even if you have to do them with baby steps.

I love to spend time in the outdoors. Hiking, camping, fishing, hunting, canoeing, gardening, you name it; I love to do it. When I was younger, my family and I would take 7-mile hike back into the Bob Marshal Wilderness of Montana and spend a week at a time living out of a tent, cooking all of our meals over an open fire, fish for food we couldn't pack in our big packs, and enjoy what Mother Nature had to offer. I so wanted to do that with my family when I got older and was lucky to marry a man who hiked and hunted along side me.

With my diagnosis and the issues this disease brings, I've had to make adaptations. I still camp. I've now graduated to a trailer with a bathroom since a tent and a port-a-potty doesn't work well with my son and all his boyhood buddies tagging along. Plus,with balance issues, tripping over holes in the ground  makes for interesting issues there, too. Mind you, it has been a 16-year gradual change.

I still canoe and the laughing that comes with getting in and out of the thing creates great campfire stories for years to come. But the smooth ride across the lakes is a great thing! I still have the arm power for slicing through the water and making the canoe glide with ease.

Fishing is great! I'm able (due to my disability) to have a lifetime free fishing permit. I also am able to drive up to a lot of lakes or streams and park closer than most people can. But who needs to fish on the shore when you have a canoe!

Also, I have a pass that allows me free entrance into any National Park and reduced camping fees at all National Parks. http://www.nps.gov/findapark/passes.htm . We use this a lot during spring and fall, which are the cool times and makes it great for me to go hiking. Now, I am not going on any 7-milers in the outback. Haha. But I do small 1/2-1 milers, sometimes walking with my cane and sometimes being pushed along in my wheelchair. Sometimes, I do both--walk there, get pushed back. I think my favorite hikes were the ones we took along the Historic Columbia River Highway in Oregon and hiked to all the waterfalls along there.  We ended with the Multnomah Falls, which was spectacular! That hike took me lots of rests to get there, and lots of people shoved past, but it was worth it.  http://www.fs.usda.gov/detail/crgnsa/home/?cid=STELPRDB5139466

My family at one of the many falls.  A timed-photo--say cheese!

This is Avalanche Gorge on the Trail of the Cedars in Glacier National Park.  A trail accessible for disabled hikers.  http://www.glacierhikers.com/trail-of-cedars.html

Photo by Rick Segeberg





When we moved to Utah from the Big Sky country of Montana, my hunting days were over.  Too many hunters and not enough deer.  So, I didn't miss it too much when MS limited my balance and walking.  I do crave good venison occasionally, though.

I still garden and this it where I do myself in.  Heat in UT is brutal so I have acquired a cooling vest.  I go out early morning since the evenings do not cool down.  I no longer have a 1000 sq. ft veggie garden but am working on getting a few raised beds so I can do more.  I have flowers, all sorts of fruit trees, grapes and berries to keep me happy.

Moral of my story, adapt.  Keep plugging away.  Look at all the little things around you and what you CAN do.  Not at the little things you CAN'T do.  When you start going down that road, it is hard to come back.

The Little Things

Last Friday, my husband, Rick, and I were sitting in the stands watching a minor league baseball game.  We were trying to remember the last time we had gone to a game, where we had sat, what we had ate, and decided it was way too long, since we couldn't remember any of it.  Surely, it wasn't that long?  Wasn't it just last season?  But no, it must have been two or three seasons ago, since we had brought so-and-so with us and they weren't around anymore.

That got me to thinking about a fishing trip we had been trying to plan for the last few months.  So far, it isn't working out and summer is half gone.  Between his jobs and my part-time one, time is fleeting.  We can't even seem to squeeze in an afternoon in to run up the canyon.  Rick is an adjunct teacher and since all the other staff took summer off, he is left hold the bag.  We do need the money to pay for all my medical needs, so I am not complaining.  It has just started me thinking about the little things--the things we like to do.

Are there things you have forgotten to do because life is busy?  Or maybe you think you don't have the money?  Or you've gotten to 'old' for it?  As I was sitting there with my hubby enjoying our brief evening, I thought of a few little things I was going to take time to do before summer (or life) passed me by--and I started at that game.

1. I sang really loud when the song "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" came on.
2. I had baseball game junk food--AND enjoyed it.
3. Write a thank you note to an old mentor apologizing for being an ungrateful teenager.
4. Enjoy the birds singing in the morning--even if it is 4:30 am.  I am up heading to the bathroom anyway.
5. Take a Sunday walk with my husband.  It is free and he can push me in my wheelchair.  Say hi to any of the neighbors that happen to be out.
6. Play pick-a-boo with the little baby in the row in front of me in church.  He's a cutie.
7. Make the bread my son has been bugging me to make.

As I started making a 'little things' list, I noticed my spirits lifted.  It is almost like my 'thankful' list.  Some of the things were wild and crazy, and I would never, ever do them, but it still felt good to think about them.  It was kind of like taking 'happy' medicine.

There are many 'little things' in our lives waiting to be rediscovered.  What have you lost?

Weeds

After weeding my flower bed this morning, I limped back to the house knowing I had over done it yet again.  I wasn't out there long, but the heat had hit for the day and zapped me of all energy.  I knew I had to get to those weeds or they would continue to grow and choke out what little flowers I had planted this year.

It got me thinking of all the weeds that were trying to choke me out during this time in my life.  My MS is taking a bit of a turn, and I'm struggling with a few things at this time.  I know MS does this, so I'm wondering if this is a shallow-rooted weed easily scraped away with rest, so I can wake up and continue on with my life; or one, like bind weed (aka morning glory), that chokes until, if left to its own devices, it will kill the spirit and leave you staring out on humanity never to walk out of your house again.

Since my lovely stumble over a computer cord in November, I haven't been able to recover all my 'super human' capabilities--not that I had those anyway.  But you know how you are when you lay in bed at night and think over your to-do-list?  You are invincible.  When the dawn breaks, those weeds creep in, wrap around me, and show me I never really was the great person I thought I was.

In my job as Master Gardener, I tell people what to do for their real weeds.  And so, each day, I tell myself what I need to do for my virtual weeds: weakness, despair, expectations, possibilities, limitation, finance.  And the weeds go on.

So when these 'weedy' moments crop up, I try to plant flowers instead, using the things I have done--my accomplishments.  I was diagnosed 16 ago today.  But in reality, I think I have had it since I was about 17.  So that makes it 27 years.  That in itself should be a big hydrangea or something.  Then, surrounding that beautiful bush should be other blooming flowers for  the education I have received, the man I have married, the world I have seen, the children I have born, the memories I have made, the people I have met, the friends I have, the volunteer hours I have put in with the church and community and so my virtual flower bed grows.  It should be so big and full that there is no room for virtual weeds.

Whenever I stop thinking about my beautiful flowers, real or otherwise, the weeds begin to grow.  And that is how it is with with others.  I have seen it with those I have talked to.  I have seen 'weeds' come into their lives and choke out the goodness. Some have let their gardens become overrun to the point where the only hope for them is to get professional help; I have been there.  It does help to start over. Sometimes leaving your weed patch behind is the only option.

If you are not there, what I do now is have a book where I write the the things for which I am thankful for--even the bitty things.  So when that bind weed comes creeping in, I can look back and see what flowers I have.  And then, I remember to go out and smell the roses!

Discrimination?

Summer is on its way to full swing, and the phones are ringing off the hook for me down at the county extension office.  I work every Friday and am loving life. People call in with all sorts of questions ranging from simple gardening basics to insect classifications and pest control, to the hard ones of disease-ridden trees or turf analysis.  When there happens to be a dull moment (almost never), I do research on things--usually items to add to my husband's 'honey-do' list.

I am thankful to the extension office.  While other businesses have looked down on my handicap and made excuses to not hire me (you will never prove this), the extension office has urged me on and told me if it ever gets to be too much to let them know and I can take a break.  They made me feel like a human-being again when all others made me feel 'stupid' or 'less-than'.  It truly is sad  to say a lot of society thinks when someone is handicapped  their IQ suddenly drops several points.  Sometimes, it drops off the charts.

Several years ago, I applied for a preschool substitute job.  During the phone interview, I got rave reviews.  They loved my resume.  I had great qualifications.  "Why haven't you been out teaching?"  blah, blah, blah.

Now to give a a brief outline of my resume:  I was a tutor in college, graduated with an AA [emphasis in English], went to Longridge Writing School, published a few books, and a bunch of other things with children.

I got called into the office for a second interview.  It went well--except they kept asking me if I was sure I could handle preschoolers, getting up and down on the floor with my cane and brace and all.  What about them tiring me out?  Doesn't MS make you tired? I assured them I could handle it, since wasn't I just a sub?

I was hired but was only called in three times the first year by a lady I already knew who worked there.  She knew I could handle it.  The office always called another friend of mine who was hired at the same time.  (Which btw, I wrote her resume).  And when she couldn't do it, did I receive a call?  No, they called others on the sub list first that lived farther away.  The second year, I never got a call.

My friend got a call to see if she would like to be put on full-time. She was unable to take the job but put in a word for me.  No call ever came.  I ran into one of the main teachers in the grocery store and asked her why I was never given the chance for the job.  She just stuttered and said something about how she thinks it was given to an in-house teacher.

Once again, something that can't be proven, but the feeling is there of discrimination.

That got me thinking: how many times are we judgmental against someone by the way they look or act.  Do we think they can't do something because they are slow of speech or don't hear well?  How about in a wheelchair or walk with a limp?

I am so grateful to be able to use my love of gardening and the knowledge I have received at school to help those around me.  I am glad someone gave me a chance to prove I am not "ignorant" or "less-than" anyone else.  We should never make anyone feel that way. I hope as we venture out in our everyday lives we are not trying to be better than anyone else, because we aren't.

Knowledge is Power

When I was first diagnosed with MS, I was clueless.  I went into the doctor's office hoping for answers to my many questions.  Instead, he was silent, did a bunch of tests that I had been through before, and then asked me if I had anyone in my family with MS.  I told him my aunt had it.  "Great!  Then, you know all about it  I'll see you again in 6 months."  He turned and walked out of the room.   Wow, what an experience for me.  Was he ever wrong about me knowing ALL about it!

After sixteen years of dealing with countless doctors, I have learned to speak up. And I've also learned that knowledge is power.  Those who know you want you to share your ideas, share your knowledge.  But sometimes your 'brains' can be a bad thing if you let them swell your EGO.  

My mother works at a university and many of those with learning take it to extremes. They think they are better than those around them.  Sometimes to the point of walking on others who actually help make the world go round.  It is never good to take the power knowledge has to offer and use it to squash others with it.

But, I want to talk about the good the power of knowledge can do--of how it can help you get out of a rut.  Maybe you're feeling sorry for yourself?  Maybe you are afraid of something?  Maybe you think you don't know anything?  Well, I am telling knowledge can fix all of that.

When I left that 'lovely' doctor's office years ago, I was in a daze. I remember wandering down the glass-lined hall of this huge hospital looking out on the clear June day thinking life was over for me.  I didn't know a thing about MS other than my aunt HAD it.  That was it--nothing more.  But with each passing month and each passing doctors' visits, I learned more.  I became obsessed with wanting to know how I could stay healthy longer and not become 'stuck' in a wheelchair OR bed-ridden OR any of the other things I was told was going to happen to me by 'well-meaning' people.  I became knowledgeable.   And with this knowledge came power to help myself.  

I've seen others who were freshly diagnosised and they became what I was at the beginning--dazed and confused.   I knew in the beginning I didn't want to be approached AT ALL;  I just wanted to curl up in my shell.  And so, while other well-meaning people rushed in to these dazed-newbies, both my husband and I contacted their care-givers.  I told them I had MS and knew what the family was going through--first hand.  We told them when the newbie was ready to talk (and it could be months), I would be there.  We gave them websites and phone numbers of who to call in case they had a quack-of-a-doctor like mine.  The caregiver was very appreciative. 


Then, we sat back and waited. I sent a card or email just letting the person know I knew how terrible it was, but I never pushed.  The caregiver would come to me and ask questions and want to know more.  I would answer.  And the day would come that the newbie would call me and we would talk--sometimes for hours--while she/he would gain the knowledge needed to carry on.

Knowledge is a great thing if used for the benefit for others.  Just recently I have been working with the county extension as a horticulture assistant.  I love working with all things garden related.  I have been doing this for almost 10 years now, giving garden talks, diagnosing lawn and plant problems, helping others with issues while they are venturing in the great green unknown of soil-hood.  But, I still don't know everything. There are several of us that work there and we are always asking each other things, studying, learning.

Yesterday, while I was working, I had many people calling in with problems and questions.  Some were easy and some were hard.  Some I had to do research on. Others, I had to send on to people who had greater knowledge than I. Some people were thankful.  Others told me they didn't think I was right and want to know if there was some one else they could talk to.  One lady called in and after talking with her, I found out she had talked to everyone in this office, the office in the next county, and the university office. She knew everyone by name and their titles.  She was just trying to get someone to give her the answer she wanted.  And we all gave her the same answer.   

That is the thing with knowledge.  You will always have those who don't think you know what you are talking about.  You will have those that don't care.  You will have ones that don't listen  and need to learn on their own (like your children).   But, the knowledge you obtain is for YOU!  It is to help you grow.  If others want you to share your knowledge, then share it, offer it.  But don't be offended if they turn it down or tell you they think you are wrong.  It is their decision. But remember in all of your knowledge learning, don't let you ego take over.  Everyone is needed to make the world go round.

This Too, Shall Pass

'This too, shall pass.'  My dad was always fond of telling me this as I got to be a teen and entered my college years.  As a teenager, I am sure I rolled my eyes and thought my life was over.  In college, I remember I hoped 'it' would pass quickly.

As a young mother, I was anxious to have my kids grow up so I could move on to the next stage.  I kept telling myself--This too, shall pass.  Then, my husband was busy with his schooling and jobs, and we never saw each other.  My dad's words rang through my head on the long nights I was up with kids 'helping' them with their school projects that were due the next day.

I once had a boss who insisted there were no problems just situations.  To me, as an English major, it was just a different meaning of the same word.  But he said if you looked at it in a different light, you could always find a way out of it.

That is just like life--if you look at your situation differently you may find a different way out of it.  Not necessarily the way you thought you'd get out of it, but you still will get out of it.

Let me explain:  When I lost my ability to walk like a 'normal' person, I was devastated.  I was losing one more thing to this STUPID disease!!  I had already lost my talent to play my violin the way I wanted to; I had lost the feeling in my finger tips; and blah, blah, blah.  I was on the Pity Train to Party Ville.

But, my natural instinct of  'You-Can't-Tell-Me-What-To-Do' kicked in, and I decided to beat the Fates.  I got my AFO (see previous posts), went to the chiropractor, did my exercises, took vitamins, extra omega-3's, and other things I'd read up on that could help my cause.  Today, on great days, I am cane-free and walking to my doctor's office on the third floor of his office building.  I go hiking and camping.  I garden with the help of my walker (this is so I can make it back to the house after I've over-done it in the garden.  haha).

I just had to look at walking differently.  It didn't happen over night, that is for sure.  I still try to hop the Pity Train when I see a cute pair of pumps or a person run up a flight of stairs.  But, I am walking!  I may need assistance now and then, but I am still walking.  It wasn't a problem, it was a situation that I solved, and 'It too, passed.'

I'm one who believes in being positive.   If we think positive, positive things will happen. Positive people will want to be around us.  We can look at our situations and change them for the better.  Remember to look beyond today and that 'it shall pass.'