The Land of Nothingness

Being one who suffers from depression has made me leery of writing this.  The title came to me at the end of June as my husband and I were scrambling to finish the remodel of the downstairs bathroom for my in-laws who were arriving the next day.

I was wiped out and could nothing else to help my husband, who was as exhausted as I was, and there was still more to do.  I sat on our couch looking at the little slits made by my son's butterfly knife-"But Mom, it just slipped."  I could definitely tell the dog had been sleeping on there as his 'man-scent' overpowered me almost making me gag.  As I turned my head to get a breath of fresh air, I saw stuffing coming out of the back cushion where the kids used to slid over the couch because "it was faster than coming around."

The more I dwelt on that couch and the shabbiness of the basement compared to the newness of the remodeled bathroom, the further I sunk into darker thoughts.  And being a woman, one thought led to another (for all of you who have not seen the comedian on women's brains vs men's brains please go here now now) and soon I found myself where I try not to go-The Land of Nothingness.

Why do I call it that? It's a place that does no one any good.  I've been there before many years ago.  I was there for a long, long time.  For many people it's a different kind of place.  But for me, it was a dark, lonely place.  I felt no one truly understood or loved me.  I felt that every thing I did was always wrong or never good enough; I was never beautiful enough, or thin enough; or the house wasn't clean enough. It was a place of my own imagination.  It took my husband being worried about me, caring enough about my well being to help me.

I wouldn't listen to him to go get help, because I didn't think I was lost in The Land of Nothingness.  I jokingly referred to it as my Eeyore Day; PMS Day; Rainy Day; Cave Day; Gloomy Day; and I'm sure this list went on.  I even had an Eeyore shirt which I think I wore almost every day.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  We'd had a little disagreement about something, and he said he was taking the kids to see his mother.  He'd be back later.  Only later didn't come.  I called him wanting to know when he was coming home, and he said he was coming but without the kids.  I had a complete meltdown.

It was then he and I had a heart-to-heart about his worries for me, the children, and him.  I went and got help.  First, it was anti-depressants, and then, three years of counseling.  That was twenty years ago.  Since then, I've gone back to counseling oft and on when I feel the call of Nothingness again.

Just this January I went back for a small session to help me cope with a few issues.  Depression is an illness no matter what others say.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, so don't let others belittle you or back you into a corner.  I'm told everyday my smile is bright and how does one with MS stay so positive.  I try not to go to The Land of Nothingness.

My tips of staying away:

1. Count your blessings-I have a notepad where I write down blessings and positive things that happen each day and when things get rough I go back and read it.  It helps my mood.  One funny thing I wrote down once--Thank for dishwasher (that was after having 14 house guests)
2. Take a walk-Even if you are disabled, find away to get outside and get some fresh air.  Nature and sun chases away the blues.
3. Listen to some awesome music-I love Zac Brown Band.  I can never stay in a dark place listening to 'Where the Boat Leaves From.'
4. Talk to a Friend-Call someone or go out to lunch.  When you have company, you're not alone with your thoughts.
5. Serve someone-I find service of some kind does wonders for my soul.  Helping out a neighbor, volunteering in the community, whatever you can find to do gets you off yourself and helping others.  There are so many places that need help.  Reach out of your comfort zone.  Don't think you can't do it.  You can.  I work with a bunch of MS patients, most in wheelchairs with limited abilities and they are all helping do something a fundraiser.  And having fun doing it!
6. Have a hobby-I have many hobbies.  And as my disease make it hard to do one, I learn another.
7. Teach your self something!-I am constantly taking some kind of class.  There are always inexpensive classes offered through your County Ext.  Check it out.

These are just a few ideas.   It's still hard for me not to be drawn by the siren call of that land, but I don't want to put my family through that again.  I hope I may have helped someone out there by opening up a private part of my life.  These helped me; I hope they help you.